By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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