Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
