I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
