proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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