I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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