Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
