The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
