worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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