I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
