I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
