i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
