I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
