K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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