Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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