Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
