You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sarcasm needs its own font
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
