PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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