Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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