remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize