why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
