dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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