he wants to bone in the snuggie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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