I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
