she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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