I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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