Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
