The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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