my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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