Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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