somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
