I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Pooping to opera.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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