shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
