dude i'm inner monologue high
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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