I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
