she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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