Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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