a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
