be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
