I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
