Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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