guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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