my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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