I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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