I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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