I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
