she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
