Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
