Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
