no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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