he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
