you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
