I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
