When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
