just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
