Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
