Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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