What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
