What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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