What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
