I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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