omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
