if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
