Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize