A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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